Thursday, July 06, 2006

words unread

i read postsecret pretty religiously. as in, its pretty much the first thing that i do when i wake up on sunday mornings. its a little like christmas, except without the santa claus and presents. but with all the touching moments. this one, in particular, struck a chord with me.


why? because its true. when someone hurts us, or even when we just feel hurt, we find it hard to accept. we see answers to questions, explanations, and even, closure (which, due to sit-coms, has been given a rather bad reputation lately). and yet, we get to the point where we can't say how much we hurt to the person that hurt us anymore. because they've moved on, because we should have moved on, because...for a million reasons. i think even because we shouldn't care anymore but because we just...can't...let...it...go. do you think that she still loves him? (it seems like a girl to me. but maybe just because i empathize with the author. and you know, i'm a girl.) does she write to him, even though he won't hear because she can't help herself? because she still is hurting? maybe even, because she won't let him know that she still hurts because that will give him still power over her. and its a small but satisfying revenge to at least hold something back.

i am not proud of being a dweller. or a worrier. or a planner. but i am all of these things, perhaps even to the extreme. (i've been called manipulative, but i have decided to reject that particular label.) when the person i first said "i love you" to broke up with me, i'll admit it, i wrote letters. or emails. and i sent them. and then, time passed. life went on. some of the hurt went away. then all of the hurt went away. but every once in a while, and here's deep dark secret, i get this pang in my stomach. and i find myself wanting to speak with him. to really speak with him. i have a friend that makes me feel this way too. we were room mates in fourth year. and even though we said terrible horrible things to each other (and i think we truly meant them), i find myself, now that time has passed, wanting to write to her, to say sorry, to that there were more good times than bad, and that really, all i want is friendship in this life. i want to speak with her too.

i wonder if many people do this. write letters that aren't sent. some, i am sure, should not be sent. but perhaps, some should be. the ones that say, i am sorry. that say, i still love you. that say, that was a mistake. to say, you are special to me. letters that are so true to the heart that one cannot send them. so i will confess: if you know me, and we've had some kind of disagreement, some of falling out, the chances are very great that i have written you a letter that i have not sent. i always thought that getting older meant that you learned how to forge and maintain relationships. it doesn't. its like the solar system: people rotate around you through life, getting closer, going farther. there's nothing you can do--its natural. things wax and wane, some explode, some burn out, some collide and make something new. (okay, i am done with the universe analogy. sorry.) are we supposed to just take what we can get? to leave things up to chance? i have no idea. some people stay, some people leave. and some people leave even though you dont, dont, want them to. and so we write them letters, that go unsent, not because we want to make them come back, because we don't have that kind of power, but because we are sad and sorry and because we still think of them, even if we won't admit that we do.






No comments: