Before reading this, you must preface it with this. this was written by a friend of a friend, in response, actually, to her original post. which you can find here. quick overview: discussion of monogamy and how it has evolved into somewhat less pure state (ex. open secrets about drunken mistakes, etc.)

as a matter of fact, i think that cheating is one of the most heinous things a person can do to their significant other: its selfish, hurtful, and devastating. it destroys trust, in the current person and relationship, and sometimes, even in later relationships.

but is it as black and white as that?

our generation, raised by parents who have stressed to us that we can do anything and be anything, that we can find love and happiness and balance, and that we deserve all of these things because we are wonderfully absolutely uniquely special. As a generation, we are set on the world with impossibly (wonderfully?) high standards and we have set loose a bunch of twenty-somethings onto the world that believe in true love, in a relationship wherein passion is matched by both parties, where lives click and stay clean, where dreams and goals are aligned, and where, always, both parties are on the same page.

but, as anyone who has been in a relationship can attest to, there are highs and lows. there are messy fights, there are tears, there are words screamed in anger, or worse, screamed with hate. and there are make ups and break ups and taking breaks and giving it another shot. there are moments of extreme tenderness, of humour, and of love. there are apologies and mistakes and forgetfulness. and yet, couples stay together and work at it. they try and try, and sometimes they succeed and sometimes they fail.

how does this relate to cheating? because people are, first and foremost, fallible silly stupid hormonal creatures. they make mistakes and scrape their knees and betray their friends. and yet, we are asking all of these people, many of whom cannot even hold down a job, to be utterly faithful to one person for their entire lives. is this reasonable? rational? possible?

are we just setting ourselves up to fail?

i remember a friend of mine, now married, who, years ago, had a boyfriend cheat on her. when she found out, she ended the relationship. no ifs, ands, or buts. and this was a boy she was in love with. now, her actions made me see her in a whole brand new light. i saw a strong self of self, a developed moral code, and knowledge of what was, for her, a deal breaker. i call this the looking in the mirror test: there are times when we still love someone, so so much, but when they have done something so hurtful that it is impossible to be with them and still be proud of your reflection in the mirror. so, this disrespect becomes more than simple cheating: it becomes an issue of self-respect. by cheating, by hitting, by lying, by ignoring, by so many things, one person can disrepect another. and regardless of the sin, the response is the same. a person earns their place in life, be that a place of high regard or low, and those who commit actions should be ready to deal with their re-actions. and there comes a time when a line is crossed. a line that means that instead of being respected in a relationship you are disrespected. there are many things that people can withstand when it comes to love. but, i think, that when it becomes clear that there is no respect, that is the ultimate breaker.

and so, even though i know that their are so many ways to fall, i find myself believing in the possibility that love, respect, and friendship can win out in the end because i do believe that we can make the right choices. when i look around my world, when i think of the people i admire and the many positive examples they set, i realize that i admire them not because they "look good on paper" but because they have, somehow, managed to always live with self-respect and their own peace of spirit in mind. this is perhaps why my friend impressed me so much: she was, after all, probably only twenty and more than entitled to make a few relationship flubs, was still figuring out life, still making many mistakes, but, when it came right down to it, she had already found the most important thing: her sense of self. now, quite happily married and living overseas, i have no doubt about her ability to maintain herself. i have no doubt that she makes good decisions, not because they are easy, but because they are right.

i only hope that, when it comes to difficult decisions, i too will have the strength to make the right choice--in life and in relationships.

but i also hope, that when i don't, my partner will love me enough to forgive me. and that when i really cross a line, way way way too far on the other side, i know that he will have the strength to remove me from his life. fortunately, i know how much his presence in my life is valued and somehow, that makes making the right decisions a million times easier.